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Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
2:46 pm - Meow.
So last night, I convinced my parents to let me call Natsu. After a very long period of struggling, finding the right number, searching for the calling card and listening to the operator go: "Enter the number. :D" it finally got through. It only lasted 15 minutes because of the calling card, but it t'was fun.


I'm bummed because we completely forgot about Road to Rhode Island. DDD: Ohwells. I'LL CALL YOU LATER, DEAR. x3

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Sunday, December 17th, 2006
6:45 pm - What is my problem?
I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

current mood: numb

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Friday, December 15th, 2006
2:38 pm - Well!
I gave up today. For good. :] If he wants to go out with me again, I will, but otherwise I really don't care. I didn't really get the part I wanted in Aladdin, but whatever. I'm still in it, and my year is set. This happened with Brendan last time. I was crushed, gave up, and found myself in someone elses arms. Why can't I do that again? I can. I'm stronger than that.

And my "uglyass" green sweater is stronger than that too. >(

Natalie is a LOOKIN' UP. Why should I worry about Tim who wouldn't give me a hug when Andrew, who was really tense with me last year, gives me them openly? Dude. He's not that great, thinking about it..He said the right things. He did a lot of great stuff for me. But..he's just Tim. That's all he'll ever REALLY be until he changes for me.

Alex told me that he's really upset and that he misses me. Hmm. :] He said this:
"He's said good and bad things about you."
"Good? That's new."
"He misses you."
"No he doesn't."
"I can just tell. He'll be watching you walk by and when you catch his eye, he goes all quiet and won't talk.."
"...bad things?"
"Yeah. He said that when he got back, you were clingy."
"...when people start to slip, wouldn't you pull them tighter?"
"Obviously. He's not one to want so much space though..I dunno. He's different."
"As usual."

Look, I'm not alone! :D Alex is so cool. I think he likes me? O_o He'll pull his desk closer to mine and talk to me all of 4th period. It's..kind of sad, I could never go out with him because..I don't want to really go out with anyone now, and besides all of that..he's Tim's friend. Eesh? I can't imagine myself going out with him anyway. ._. Tim, yeah, Andrew, I dunno, Alex, no. I know that sounds awful. I'm trying not to. D:

Anyway..I'm really happy. School is out and I get a break from the tension that's been flying around lately. Yesterday, Tim was a whole lot nicer to me..but it's still kind of there. We walked up the stairs singing 'A Whole New World' as loud as we could.. x3 But he was being mean to me after school again. ._. I dunno. Today we didn't get the chance to really talk..but at least he noticed my presence. We laughed and talked..just a little. Is that a good sign? .__.

So. I guess that's it. Merry Christmas, guys. 8D Eat your candy canes.

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Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
7:27 pm
"Why do you even care anymore?"

I care because I love him.

"He doesn't care about you."

It's the memory that keeps my hopes up.

"Give up."

I already have.

"Stop being so emo."

I'll be 'emo' for as long as I want.

Go look at my journal entries. See how long I stay happy and watch my mood drop after WDW.

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Monday, December 11th, 2006
5:12 pm

This is the longest entry I'll ever write. So here I go.

Where did you go?
I'm seriously asking. Where did you go? I walked into school on Monday full prepared to see you as normal. You weren't around. I wanted to throw my arms around you and kiss you on the cheek and tell you how much I missed you, that I couldn't fully enjoy Disney World without you, that your hugs were a million times better than any Mickey Mouse could give. I wanted you. I wanted you so much.

You didn't come. That was understandable. I threw my week away so I could wait for you to feel better so I could do that. Friday came. You didn't care enough.

You just didn't really care anymore.

I knew that. I knew it instantly. I fought it with everything. Everyone saw it. Even my best friend saw it, she told me you weren't acting like a boyfriend. I knew you weren't. I told her you were stressed out and weren't feeling well enough to act like one. But she was right. You just didn't really care.

You gave me a hug the Friday we left right in the middle of the hallway, you told me you'd miss me and I had you promise not to fall for anyone else and to always wait for my return because soon enough, I'd be ringing your doorbell.
But you just didn't really care.

I waited some more. Next week, nothing. I finally broke down before you went to Pittsburgh and told you we NEEDED to see each other. I rung your doorbell, we went upstairs, the first thing that happened: I gave you a hug. A long one. I missed you so much, so uncontrollably much..it took you about five seconds to put your arms around me.
You didn't really care.

I sat down and put my head on your shoulder. You opened up a book. I felt like I was burdening you. You laid down and said you were tired. I was hurt and asked, "Too tired to be affectionate?" You didn't say anything. We went outside to get a conversation going and you randomly told me that it was weird for you to be going out with a friend. I knew it was bull, but I didn't hold it against you. After all, if it WAS weird, you wouldn't have asked me out in the first place. But that was a reason in your head, you lied the entire time and then asked for a hug so you could leave.
You just didn't really care enough to stay for those last fifteen minutes we had to help me stop shaking and crying. I went back to the park and was dehydrated from crying so much.

We spent a few more weeks together, I continued to beg you to pay attention to me, but you refused to and blew me off left and right. I finally busted and told you that you were a jerk. Crying through all of 7th period, I wrote you a note about how I didn't want to break up. You wouldn't even read it until I forced you to.

You broke up with me on MYSPACE. And when I called, you didn't want to talk to me. I planned on running away so I could get away from the MONSTER that replaced the guy I was certain I loved.

I couldn't. I sat up all night long and didn't get any sleep because I was crying too much. I cried so hard I was throwing up, I was thinking of slitting my rists, killing myself...I couldn't, but you made me want to.

I tried to act normal. I said hello, you hardly said hi, I started talking to you and you blew me off and ran ahead upstairs, turning the corner immediately. I was done being upset. You only made it come back.

I went through another week of you making me miserable, but I still tried to stay normal. Then I had it. I've had it with you not caring about me. How can you transition from not being able to express how much you love me to NOT caring, making me cry every day, breaking my heart over and over? I'm trying to be normal, YOU'RE not. YOU'RE the one ruining everything. If you want to find happiness with a girl, you have to treat her like a human being. And guess what? YOU don't care enough to treat me like one.

So WHERE did you go? That's not MY Tim talking to me, MY Tim gave me hugs, cared about me, did everything in his power to make me happy, tried so hard to stay with me, CRIED with me when things were going wrong, reciprocated every damn thing I ever did for him, and YOU?! YOU'RE a monster who won't give me a hug, DOESN'T care, ruins every good day I ever have, broke up with me, won't shed a tear, and won't ever return my feelings again.

Where are you? I'm crawling on my hands and knees, I'm throwing so many things away to get you back, why won't you come SAVE ME?! You would have run through fire for me two months ago, YOU'RE gone, not ME. I didn't change a thing, you changed EVERYTHING. I still love you, wherever you went, and you pushed the guy that a girl would have given a foot for away. For what? Nothing. You just don't care. You just don't.

Are you gone for good? Good bye then. I love you. I'll miss you for the rest of my life. I'll never find as much happiness as you gave me, I'll never have the heart to look, and I'll never doubt who you were. I know you were a real..live person, I know it because I can clearly remember your heart pounding in my ear when I put my head on your chest, I remember realizing that..I couldn't have been the only one alive in this world because you found me.

Really now. How could you ever give up a girl who cared this much for you? Idiot.

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Thursday, December 7th, 2006
5:02 pm
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess


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Monday, December 4th, 2006
4:33 pm
look, I'm not gonna bullshit, ok? This just isn't working anymore. I really couldn't bare to do this in person, it would be too depressing. After that last event it felt awkward, but more than that, I think I realized something when I trieed earlier, that I just want to be single for a while. I'm sorry. If you don't get this today, I'll understand, and I'll act like we're still going out for a couple of days until I know you got this message. Please, don't be too depressed after you get this message and NEVER EVER CUT YOURSELF. THAT IS NOT A JOKE. However, if you don't want to talk to me or if you want to avoid me for a while thats fine, I understand. If Mackenzie (I hope I spelled that right) comes up and curses me out, I'll get that too. But, in the long run, I really hope we can still be friends. And by the way, I got you a Christmas present too, to show that I really do want to be your friend, and I really do care. I'm sorry again, and I hope you don't take this too hard.

Well, it appears the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me has just ended.


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Friday, December 1st, 2006
5:15 pm

Tim is obsessed with The Beatles. So I thought it'd be nice to spend a crap load of money on an autographed picture for him. I told him about it, he said "OHMYGOD. O_O" and after him being all happy, which was really  great to see because that's just what I wanted, he can't do anything today, he has to do stuff with his band. Saturday, he says, he'll be back over.

I told him November was hell for me. He said he's stressed because of that week off. I say he's stressed because he forgot what was important.



...why did Disney World ruin everything?

I don't think he's mean all of the sudden. I think he's lost a romantic side because he hasn't had the chance to show one. When he had the chance, he blew it. That tore me up so badly I was literally dehydrated by the time I crawled away from the park. I drank a lot of water and cried all night long.

I haven't told anyone about this, but I guess I should.

That night, I crawled down on the floor and sat in my beanbag chair CLINGING to my squishy pillow. I was hyperventalating, and for the first time..I debated cutting myself.

I really did. The notes that people were leaving on dA weren't making me feel any better, in fact, they made me feel MUCH MUCH WORSE. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.

He told me recently that he still likes me a whole lot and that he would never lie about it. He's been honest so far, so I believe him.

I wish he would show it. Or give me a hug. The last time I hugged him was the day we almost broke up, and it took him such a long time to hug me back. He gave me a hug before he left, but it was because I was crying.

After that ended, he went out of town and I had a week to sit there alone. Again.

When he got back, I talked to him on the phone and told him I wasn't going to cry about it anymore. He said he didn't want me to..

It's really hard not to. Just remembering the words exchanged, the realization, and finally: him crying. I told him that I hate being a burden. He said I'm not..but I don't know what to think.

It's always ME coming up to HIM. He doesn't even seem to make effort.

I wonder if he's used to it?

Yesterday, he told me he could head over after school and we could hang out. It turned out he forgot about an FPS competition that afternoon. I sat there shivering until 4:30 when my mom finally picked me up...I got home, went through the rest of the day. Then night came.

Last night was so hard. I layed there and cried about everything that had happened November I could cry about. I cried about the night before we left, and me talking to him on the phone and sobbing my heart out in the cold..I cried about getting back and not seeing him until Friday. I cried about him taking such a long time to hug me, crushing me, then crying himself. I cried about him leaving and me being all alone. I cried about him coming back for another week just so I could be blown off for his band. There. From November 1 to 30, I've been depressed because of ZERO LOVE.

He'll be over tomorrow. The month of hell is over.

I'm so upset everything happened, but at the same time..I got over that huge gap of time without him. We both did it. We both survived the worst gap of time in our lives and we're still together.

Today marks me being the luckiest girl every for four months. And HE remembered it, not me. <3

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Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
5:17 pm

Life's being a bitch.

There. I said it. Natalie swore, call the police

I finally get a day to see Tim alone after TWENTY EIGHT DAMN DAYS. Who CARES if you don't get to see your boyfriend for an entire month? WHO GIVES A CRAP? Right. So after school, I run up to him and I'm like "What homework do you have?" "Ummm, none." "Come over. ^^" "Can't." "Why?" "My band's getting together today and we're gonna THEBEATLESlol"

Tim, hun, this is your girlfriend speaking. You almost broke up with me, I haven't been able to talk to you like normal for a month, and when I'm upset you don't notice and talk about your guitar.

I love him, but what the hell?


So I get an entire five hours of homeroom. I hate the entire class, whopee, but we took that damn career test. I ended up with a score that told me I'd do something for art, but wtf, of COURSE the computer's gonna screw up and place me in classes for AGRICULTUE. I had to go back and do it all again, reprint, and get everyone pissed at me.

Yell at the computer, not me.

And then we took some TESTS. 60 questions per subject. The STUPID SEVENTH GRADERS were testing, not ME. But they hand us the packet and I finish, only to be greeted by a black and white movie with no one to talk to.

Then lunch came, and one of the girls crushing on Tim sat with me to gripe about how he ignores her. I finally asked, "Are you aware I'm going out with him?" She finally did something decent and left. Then I sat there alone, except for Cameron at the end of the table gawking at me like I have lobsters coming out my ears. >> WTF?! I was sitting there DRINKING A SODA AND MUMBLING A THS SONG.


The seventh graders got in the way of everything, so I only got homeroom and three classes..none of which were my haven, theatre.

So I went to MATH. We played Bingo, but a stupid girl won six times in a row and nobody else got anything, and we all gave up eventually.

Reading, we watched Green Eggs and Ham. I just about SHOT MYSELF. I was bored out of my skull, so I started drawing and my teacher was all "WRYYYYYYY WHY AREN'T YOU WATCHING DR. SUESSSSS?" and I had to put it away.

God forbid I miss that movie to do something as unproductive as DRAW and come up with ideas for STORYBOARDS. (wait, we just took a career test?)

PE was the last thing I got to do today. I. Hate. PE.

Shorty showed me a drawing of a bird, she's in 7th grade so..but it was really cute and had these chibi eyes..so Sarah prances over and is like "WTF, BUNNY."

"It's not a bunny.."
Shorty goes, "I drew it, it's not a bunny. It's a bird."
"Look at the beak, the talons.."
"Why are you criticizing me?!?!"
"We're not.."

I turned around and said "No CRAP." She's like "SEEE?!"

"Sarah, grow up."

So I'm sweating, getting hit in the head with basketballs, and we go in. Sarah's talking to me about how she can't wait to go home and get on the computer.

"I wanna see my boyfriend, but I can't.."

You. Douche.

"WTF, why?"
"You got to go to Disney World!"


THIS MONTH HAS BEEN THE SUCKIEST THING EVER. Seriously. I'm breaking down from the CRAPPINESS of this month. I'm falling behind in ALL OF MY CLASSES because of it. Tim practically FORGOT WHY HE LIKED ME and had to be reminded by me falling down and becoming dehydrated from crying too much. I feel like the loneliest person in my school. I just sit there and wait for Tim or my friends that don't show care for me in the FIRST PLACE, the ONLY people I feel 100% loved by, or rather PERSON, is Emily. The people who do, I haven't been able to talk to them because of the bitchyness of this month. My family? My mom told me she hates me, my sister does too, my dad for the first time hit me (not hard, but..) and my brother doesn't talk to me. It's just you, Emily.

Finally, the day ended.

I walked outside with Tim to be interrupted by some girl talking about what a hippie he is. I could have killed her. Why...do people do this to us? It's his popularity and constantly being mobbed by friends/girls. They don' t realize it. But Tyler wonders over and does the same thing. I. HATE. HIM. He was cool, until I found out what he said about me to Tim.

"Why are you going out with that ugly bitch?"

Yeah, you're amazing too, Tyler. FREAKING SLINKY BOY. I got in the car, trying to light up, and let out a "Mrow" My mom goes, "That's weird. Don't do that."

...So I'm weird. Everyone knows I am, but I'm a theatre kid. I wouldn't fit in if I wasn't weird. WEIRD KIDS HAVE ALL THE FUN. And everyone who's going to be a jerk hates them.

I love being a weird kid. I have more fun and the bitches don't talk to me.

So Mom, who I'm aware hung out with those chicks, PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR AND DON'T TELL ME NOT TO HAVE FUN.

Night, guys. Have a wonderful day.

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Monday, November 27th, 2006
6:35 am
Mmm. I'm sick. Grand, isn't it? I have a cold..bleh, I have just what Tim did.


Today was pretty crappy. :< I did nothing but homework all daaay looong. I hate math. ;-;


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Thursday, November 23rd, 2006
12:34 pm

I had The Hush Sound sign my hoodie.

And they were all awesome. <3 Dude, I walked through the crowd and they immediately started with 'Like Vines'. I think I died. :D Who was the most awesome tonight? Bobert. X3 "I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU."

Greta is so adorable and short and aww. X3 She told us about her Catholic school teacher who came to see her..and passed out drunk and had to be escorted out. The whole audience was laughing, and the guy standing next to me screamed "I SAW THAT DUDE." Bob started cracking up and Greta's like "O_O I bet you did!"

So the show ended, I was like ";3;" and everyone walked away.

Except for me. >D (And a smaller crowd, guah.)

They ran back out and were like "WOOO." So I ran to the front and Bob stood directly over me during the song. :DDD They played "Supermarket" or something..wasn't on their recent album. But I liked it and I was like "WOOO." And they were like "HEADBAAANG." So I did. :D They found that highly entertaining. Woo.

And then they left..and came out to meet us. O_O Except very few people knew. >3 Because we kept it quiet. Everyone else stood at the counter, buying stuff and being completely oblivious to the fact the people they were over there worshipping..were standing on the other side of the club. XDD They all packed up and left. Ha. :D

Aaaaand the first person out was Chris, who happily said "I CAN'T SEEEEEE." and ran to the light. XD It's SUPPOSED to be dark in a club. D: Stupid Chris. <3

Then Greta, who gave me a heart attack. SHE IS SO SHORT. O__o And I'm short. D: 5'1, dude. She's shorter than meee. XD She talked to me and my brother about their first album and said that it was a mess and held true to it's name. "So Sudden" x3 Very cute. :] I wanted to mess with her curls. XD Theeen Bob. More heart attack. :D He was extremely nice. I didn't get to talk to him much, mostly just "Good show, yes, great, fun, woo, kthx." But still. It was nice seeing him like BAM RIGHT THERE HI ROBERT. :D

His sharpie was kind of dry..x3 Then Darren. I kinda had to rush with him. D: Aaaand then I left. But I have the hoodie. I love these guys. <3


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Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
9:00 pm
I'm gonna miss the play for WDW. I'm gonna miss everything.

I'm gonna miss..Tim.

So to solve that I called him and at first, everything was fine..until I started crying.

...damn, I hate my sensitivity. I think I made him feel really bad..so just..I unno.

I'll be in a very magical place for a while. :'D; So...CARRY ON WITHOUT MEEEE.

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Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
9:38 pm
Let this go down as the best Halloween EBER!

So things started out as planned..me and Tim doing nothing until he suddenly went "HEEEY, MATT'S HAVING A PARTY."

So we went. And we partied hard yo. >D

And we were also chased by a guy with a chainsaw. He singled me out! 8D I felt so awesome and panicked all at the same time..then I started sobbing and started clinging to Tim for life. OH THE FUN OF IT ALL.

So..he was being extremely nice about it..and our friends started making fun of us. "Oh, Tim, you're just so sweet and deviiine to me! *frolics around*"

Well..I guess it's true. But he IS so very sweet to me. <3

"He thinks it's funny that I'm nice.."

..I wish I brought a camera. We would have had some awesome pictures. D8

And then I got home and spent a long time cuddling and tickling Tim. x3 And then his mom walked in on me while I was rubbing my fingernails against his stomach. XD; Oh GOD I hate that. D: I've had worse walk-ins, but..ugh.


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Monday, October 30th, 2006
9:15 pm
So apparently I'm going to spend Halloween doing absolutely nothing with Tim. 8D OH THE FUN.

We're getting out of rehearsal early, so..he'll probably just come over. We'll wind up walking around the neighborhood with zero festivity and pointing and laughing at the crappy costumes..

..yup, that's my life story.

Summary of 'The Raven':
"A guy gets the crap scared out of him by a bird and falls out of a window."

The end.

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Sunday, October 29th, 2006
9:55 pm

So about my life..apparently you can't walk around my neighborhood without Tim happening to the same spot you are and standing behind you while you carve..without a clue he's there.

He owes his mom $240. AWESOME. That means I'll be sitting on the couch drawing block people while he earns money and not hanging out with me for a week.

I hate my life. D8

So I went Stitch shopping again..hmm, apparently that's hard to do without spending one hundred bucks. We bought out tickets to WDW..I got the Minnie ticket. 8D And my sister is unhappy with having Pluto.

I hate Luby's. :( Ewww. Evil macaroni and cheese with gross food that's supposed to be home cooked style but it's NOT AND IT'S EW.


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1:37 pm
Dude. D: I'm staring at the phone just WAITING for a friend to call. Here's my problem.

Tim is at his friends house. He'll be home soon today, but he promised he'd call once he got home.

I don't have the numbers of Jenn, Leah, L'Mae, Shorty, Clara, Stephanie, Will, Jacob, Austin, Ashlee, Brendan, Sarah, Haylie, Lawrence, Matt, Juan or ANYONE ELSE.

I /DO/ have Janell's number. Unfortunately, she's at band practice.

Kenzie is at her dad's house. I have her number as well, but not for her dads.

Hannah's house in underwater from the flood. Number's not available.

Can't call Natsu. Can't call anyone online. Can't get on AIM either.

I have NOTHING TO DOOO. I need HUMAN CONTACT. *headdeskheaddeskheaddesk*

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Saturday, October 28th, 2006
4:33 pm
For those who see the entry before..disregard it. It's worked out and I loves him. <3

Dude, I'm turning into such a teenager. x3 It's weird..to see this and compare it to the last time I took it.

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Friday, October 20th, 2006
11:21 pm

Do you even know how cute ticklish guys are? Just find the right spot, grab and you have loads of entertainment and cuddling ahoy..seeing as how they're so thankful you've finally stopped torturing them that they give you a hug and purr (seriously, why is that so hot? o-o) and laugh for no reason at all. <3


How is it possible to miss someone THIS MUCH when they spent five hours at your house and have only been gone for..one? D: Dude. It's not freakin' right.

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Friday, October 6th, 2006
10:43 pm
I'm just sharing this story of tonight because I find it hilarious and I want to mark it somewhere so I can remember it. XD

And Will made a video! :D LOOK AT HIS SUPER FLY HAIR and his hilarious voices. X3

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Monday, September 25th, 2006
5:13 pm

Don't know what's wrong with me...

I just got..really sad today. We were playing a game in Theatre, and I messed up and our team lost..and I got really upset. Like, I just felt like I completely screwed up and everything was ruined. 

Arrrgh, I hate this stupid ADD! ;__; I forget directions, make careless mistakes, make a fool of myself, annoy people...I feel like such a screw up. And I know, other people have this...but with me, it's so hard. I just want to do things right! ;-; I just want to get things done, make good grades, I want to be in higher classes and be respected more..but how can I? I don't even know when it kicks in, but it does, and then I mess everything up and feel stupid.

I finally realized that, when I made the same mistake twice..and then when I said something about having ADD, someone said "You do not." And that frustrated me so much I almost burst into tears. Why would I make it up? Do they think I'm really just stupid on my own and I'm trying to cover it up? Or do they think I'm smart and I'm just ACTING like an airhead? Because neither of those are true. I have ADD, I can't pay attention, I can't do things right, I just mess things up for everyone and myself.

And the meds are NOT WORKING. It doesn't matter how many freakin' times I go to my doctor, she gives me a new kind, it doesn't work. I get a more powerful kind, it works for a few days and it's over. It's always the same, and nothing's getting better.

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